The Potter Collection
by Helmione Nightingranger
Summary: A collection of filks (songs with the words changed) all related to Harry Potter. I'm 87% obsessed with HP...this may be obvious....Includes Fred and George Rapping, Hermione serenading the library, Dudley denouncing his diet Britney Spears style, and Fil
1. Prankster's Paradise - Fred and George R...

A/N Does anyone else think that Hogwarts IS a prankster's paradise? Coz, well, the possibilities are endless......imagine how much trouble you could cause if you had Peeves on your side!  
  
So - can't you just imagine Fred and George in big suits and shades singing this?  
  
Prankster's Paradise  
  
Fred: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of detention,  
I take a look and my life  
And think "I shoulda paid attention."  
'Cause I've been jokin' and laughin' so long  
That now ma mama thinks that ma mind is gone.  
  
George: But I never blew up a toilet  
That didn't deserve it  
  
Fred: Me be treated like a punk?  
Ya know that's unheard of  
You better watch out  
You're talkin'  
And where you're walkin'  
  
George: Or you and your homies might be turning into canaries.  
I really hate the trip  
But I gotta joke  
As they study  
(Pulling a face) I see myself  
In the ministry  
Fool.  
  
Fred: We're the kinda wizards  
Little homies wanna be like  
On my knees in the night  
Making excuses in the wandlight  
  
Both: Been spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Been spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Keep spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Keep spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise.  
  
George: Look at the situation  
They got me facing  
I can't live a normal life  
I was raised by the Weasleys  
Though I gotta be down with the prank team  
To much Zonko's  
What, ya got me chasin' dreams....  
  
Fred: I'm an uneducated fool  
With money on ma mind  
Got ma tin in ma hand  
And a gleam in ma eye.  
I'm a hyped-up prankster  
Set trippin' up the banker  
And ma family is poor  
So don't arouse ma anger  
Fool  
  
George: Punishment ain't nothing but a heartbeat away  
I'm livin' life doin detention  
What can I say?  
I'm seventeen now  
But will I live to see graduation?  
The way ma mama's talkin'  
I don't know  
  
Fred: Tell me why are we  
So blind to see  
That the ones getting into trouble  
Are you and me?  
  
Both: Been spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Been spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Keep spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Keep spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise.  
  
Geroge: The attention and the laughter,  
The laughter and attention  
Punishment after punishment,  
Detention after detention,  
  
Fred: Everybody's runnin'  
But half of them ain't lookin'  
What's goin on in the ministry?  
But I don't know what's cookin'  
They say we've gotta learn,  
But nobody can teach us  
If they can't understand it  
How can they reach us?  
  
Gerorge: I guess they can't  
I guess they won't  
I guess they don't get it,  
That's why our lives are out of jokes,  
Even though.....  
  
Both: Been spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Been spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Keep spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise  
Keep spending most our lives  
Livin' in a prankster's paradise.  
  
Fred: Tell me why are we  
So blind to see  
That the ones getting into trouble  
Are you and me?  
  
George: Tell me why are we  
So blind to see  
That the ones getting into trouble  
Are you and me?  
  
  
  
A/N OK. So - did anyone else here find that kind surreal? Anywaaaay.  
  
Disclaimer: Ummmmm......the characters are JKR's, the song's Coolio and LV's. The dumb idea of putting them together is mine.  



	2. Can't Fight The Library - Hermione's Son...

A/N This is a song about the world through Hermione's eyes. (She's meant to be singing to Ron, trying to explain the allure of the library!) I am NOT making fun of people who read, I read loads, so don't get offended. I just thought it was funny. Songfic to Leanne Rimes - Can't fight the moonlight.  
  
Can't Fight The Library  
  
By Helmione Nightingranger  
  
*Hermione looks very glamorous in a long sparkling dress on a stage with a microphone. Then she puts a pair of glasses on, wearing them on the end of her nose, and picks up a book. Looking straight at Ron, she begins to sing....*  
  
Beside a bookshelf  
Gonna be with you  
And no one's be around  
  
If you think that you won't fold  
We just wait until  
The exams draw near  
Underneath the lamplight, lamplight,  
There's a magical feeling so right  
Here to steal your heart tonight  
  
You can try to resist  
Try to hide from Ms Pince  
But you know  
But you know that you  
Can't fight the library  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't  
Can't fight the library  
No  
You can't fight it  
It's gonna get to your heart  
  
There's no escape, Ron,  
When the books call you  
To do a spell and pass your test  
No matter what you think  
It won't be too long  
Til you just can't rest  
(Til you're)   
Underneath the lamplight, lamplight  
We'll be lost in the words spelled so right (A/N sorry, but I think Hermione would take delight in correct spelling)  
Feel them steal your heart tonight  
  
You can try to resist  
Try to hide from Ms Pince  
But you know  
But you know that you  
Can't fight the library  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't  
Can't fight the library  
No  
You can't fight it  
No  
Matter what you do  
The books are gonna get to you  
  
(some quiet bit that no one can hear the words to)  
  
Underneath the lamplight, lamplight  
There's some magical theory so right  
Here to steal your heart tonight  
  
You can try to resist  
Try to hide from Ms Pince  
But you know  
But you know that you  
Can't fight the library  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't  
Can't fight the library  
No  
You can't fight it  
  
It's gonna get to your heart...  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Hermione, Ms Pince and Ron are JKR's, Can't fight the moonlight belongs to Leanne Rimes. Her dress, book, and glasses, are mine.   
  
  



	3. Don't Call Me Mudblood - Attitude!Hermio...

A/N This is based on Madison Avenue's: Don't Call Me Baby   
It's meant to be sung from Hermione to Draco Malfoy.  
  
  
  
Don't Call Me Mudblood  
(Adapted by Helmione Nightingranger)  
  
  
You,  
And me  
We have no opportunity.  
Cause you  
You don't want someone who's impure  
And you, you think I'm not your kind of witch.  
I'm here to tell ya baby,   
I'm an angel, not a bitch.  
  
Don't think that I'm not strong  
I'm the one to take you on  
Don't underestimate me boy  
I'll make you sorry you were born.  
You don't know me,  
The way you really should  
You sure misunderstood  
Don't call me mudblood.  
You've gotta learn, baby that'll never do.  
You know I don't belong to you.  
It time you knew muggles aren't dirty  
I'm as pure as you,  
So don't call me mudblood.  
  
Behind my smile is my IQ  
I must admit this does not fit  
With the likes of you.  
You're really mean  
Mm, you're just a scrud  
But didn't mama ever tell you not to play with mud?  
  
Don't think that I'm not strong  
I'm the one to take you on  
Don't underestimate me boy  
I'll make you sorry you were born.  
You don't know me,  
The way you really should  
You sure misunderstood  
Don't call me mudblood.  
You've gotta learn, baby that'll never do.  
You know I don't belong to you.  
It time you knew muggles aren't dirty  
I'm as pure as you,  
So don't call me mudblood.  
  
You,  
And me  
We have no opportunity.  
Cause you  
You don't want someone who's impure  
And you, you think I'm not your kind of witch.  
I'm here to tell ya baby,   
I'm an angel, not a bitch.  
  
Don't think that I'm not strong  
I'm the one to take you on  
Don't underestimate me boy  
I'll make you sorry you were born.  
You don't know me,  
The way you really should  
You sure misunderstood  
Don't call me mudblood.  
You've gotta learn, baby that'll never do.  
You know I don't belong to you.  
It time you knew muggles aren't dirty  
I'm as pure as you,  
So don't call me mudblood.  
  
You've gotta learn, baby that'll never do.  
You know I don't belong to you.  
It time you knew muggles aren't dirty  
I'm as pure as you,  
So don't call me mudblood.  
  
  
  
  
A/N Sorry, that just came into my head when it came onto the radio! And I don't know what scrud means, I just needed an insult that rhymed with mud!  
  
Disclaimer: Hermi and Draco belong to JKR. The song belongs to Madison Avenue. Scrud is a word that was used on Friends - I don't know if the writers of that made it up or if it's widely used in the US. I'd never heard of it b4, neway.  
  
R/R pls! Lol.   



	4. Don't Go Breaking My Rules - Filch and M...

A/N Duet for Filch and Mrs Norris. (Yes, I know, I know, she's a cat, she can't sing, but let's give her a chance, eh?) Songfic to Elton John and Kiki Dee - Don't go breaking my heart  
  
Don't Go Breaking My Rules  
  
By Helmione Nightingranger  
  
*Filch sits at a grand piano, with Mrs Norris sitting on the top and his mop and buclet at his feet. The whole piano is sparkling as though it's been polished lots*  
  
Filch: Don't go breaking my rules  
Mrs Norris: I couldn't if I tried  
  
Filch: Oh honey if I became a trouble-maker  
Mrs Norris: Baby you're not that kind  
  
Filch: Don't go breaking my rules  
Mrs Norris: You take the weight off me  
  
Filch: Oh honey, when I stroked you last night  
Mrs Norris: Ooh, I gave you my fleas  
  
Both: Ooh-ooh,  
Nobody knows it  
Filch: I'm a squib but I know  
Mrs Norris: I won't leave you alone  
  
Both: Ooh-ooh  
Nobody knows it  
Mrs Norris: Nobody knows  
  
Filch: But I can always be sure  
Mrs Norris: I won't leave marks from my paws  
Both: Oh-oh  
There'll be no marks on the floor  
  
Filch: So don't go breaking my rules  
Mrs Norris: I won't go breaking your rules  
  
Both: Don't go breaking my rules  
  
Filch: Nobody expects us  
Mrs Norris: Coz nobody respects us  
  
Filch: But now it's up to us to clean  
Mrs Norris: Oh, I think we can bleach it  
  
Filch: So don't misunderstand me  
Mrs Norris: You put the cat food in my life  
  
Filch: Oh, you put the mop to the bucket  
Mrs Norris: I got your sponge by my side  
  
Both: Ooh-ooh,  
Nobody knows it  
Filch: I'm a squib but I know  
Mrs Norris: I won't leave you alone  
  
Both: Ooh-ooh  
Nobody knows it  
Mrs Norris: Nobody knows  
  
Filch: But I can always be sure  
Mrs Norris: I won't leave marks from my paws  
Both: Oh-oh  
There'll be no marks on the floor  
  
Filch: So don't go breaking my rules  
Mrs Norris: I won't go breaking your rules  
  
Both: Don't go breaking my  
Don't go breaking my rules  
  
Don't go breaking my  
Don't go breaking my  
Don't go breaking my rules  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: JKR owns Filch and Mrs Norris. Elton John and Kiki Dee own Don't go breaking my heart. I own the piano. (It's mine, all mine, I tells ya)  



	5. Fatter - Dudley's 15 Minutes of Fame

A/N PLEASE don't get offended by this – I have nothing against fat people – I agree   
with my friend Laura who says it's more fun to eat chocolate than to be skinny. I am   
NOT making fun of fat people. But I think we all agree that Dudley doesn't deserve   
compassion, right? So here it is, this is Dudley making a stand about his slim   
physique, Britney style. In other words, it's a songfic to Britney Spear's Stronger. K?   
(*frowns at herself* Who in their right minds would give him a microphone? Now we   
can hear him better! That was a stupid thing to do, Helmione….)  
  
  
Fatter  
  
By Helmione Nightingranger  
  
*Dudley enters a black stage wearing leather (A/N ick ick ick) and carrying a chair.   
He puts the chair down and begins to sing*  
  
Hush  
Just stop.  
There's nothing you can do  
Or say  
Baby  
  
I've eaten had enough  
I've finally made it  
I'm too big to weigh  
Baby  
  
*tries to stand on the chair to reach a sandwich which has just appeared in mid-air The   
chair slips away*  
You might have thought that I wouldn't make it,  
On my own  
But now I'm fatter  
Than yesterday  
Terminal obesity's just a heartbeat away  
My skinniness ain't killing me no more… (A/N No, but the heart problems might   
be…)  
  
I am fatter  
Than anyone ever thought that I could be  
Baby  
I used to eat  
White meat  
Didn't know how to cheat  
With more fat  
  
*tries to stand on chair again. It slips away again*  
You might think that I can't stand up  
On my own  
But who cares?  
Coz now I'm fatter,  
Than yesterday  
Terminal obesity's just a heartbeat away  
My skinniness ain't killing me no more…  
  
I am fatter  
  
C'mon now,  
Oh yeah  
Feed myself  
On my own  
I don't need nobody, more food on my own   
Here I go,  
On my own now  
I don't need diet, not so just be quiet,  
Here I go  
Here I go  
Alright  
  
Here I go  
  
  
Fatter than yesterday  
Terminal obesity's just a heartbeat away  
My skinniness ain't killing me no more  
I am fatter  
Than yesterday  
Now it's chocolate cake all the way  
My dieting ain't killing me no more…  
  
Now I eat more  
Than yesterday  
Now it's all the toppings and a mars bar a day  
My dieting ain't killing me no more…  
  
I am fatter.  
  
*jumps up and grabs the sandwich, then sits down heavily on the chair, which tries to   
slip away, but instead the seat snaps in half under his weight. He shrugs and munches   
his sandwich contentedly*  
  
  
A/N I've made myself hungry now…..  
Please don't flame. I have nothing against fat people. Only Dudley.  
  
Disclaimer: Dudley is JKRs, Stronger is Queen Britney the 1st's.  



	6. Ratty Little Thing Called Pete - Sirius ...

A/N Sirius rocks (literally) and so I thought I'd give him an opportunity to vent his frustration at Wormtail - through song! Here is Sirius singing his heart out to the wonderful Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love  
  
  
Ratty Little Thing Called Pete  
  
By Helmione Nightingranger  
  
*Sirius enters wearing lots of black leather, including very tight leather trousers, carrying a microphone* (This is for everyone in the HarryPotterLovers egroup. Close your mouths, put your eyes back into their sockets, and enjoy the song you lot!)  
  
This guy, called Pete,   
I just want him to die  
This guy called Pete   
He makes me want to cry  
I ain't happy,   
(with that) ratty little thing called Pete   
  
This rat (this rat) called Pete (called Pete)  
He cries (like a baby) To his master Lord V   
Who's mean (You Know Who) And lean (You Know Who)   
He looks like a reptile and he's turning green, but Pete likes it...  
Ratty little thing called Pete  
  
There goes my ex-best friend,   
He knows how to sniff 'n' sneer  
He drives me round the bend,   
He makes me murd'rous like he is  
He leaves me in a cold cold sweat   
  
I gotta be cool,   
Relax,   
Get even   
Get on my tracks,   
Take a back seat   
Hitch hike,   
Take a long ride on my motor bike  
Then I'll get him, ratty little thing called Pete  
  
I'm gonna be calm,   
Relax,  
Get him   
So get of my back!   
Take a back seat   
Hitch hike,   
Take a long ride on my motor bike  
Until I've got him (got him, shot him)   
Ratty little thing called Pete  
  
This thing called Pete   
I just can't handle him  
This thing called Pete  
I want to strangle him   
  
I ain't crazy  
The crazy little thing's called Pete...  
  
  
  
  
A/N Ah, doesn't he have a lovely singing voice? And so nice of him to dedicate a song to his little friend Peter....  
  
Disclaimer: JKR owns the characters, as I'm sure you'd guessed, Queen own the song, and I won't claim to own Sirius's leather trousers, as I don't want to bombarded with death threats from hoards of jealous Sirius-obsessed HarryPotterLovers!   
  
  
Review....go on....you know you want to....  



End file.
